Lately I've been thinking a lot about honesty. I've been thinking about the reasons, personally, why I haven't been honest; both with myself and others. I read an article recently in the New York Times by Dan Savage touting the benefits of radical honesty in relationship situations. While I don't subscribe to all the ideas Dan has in the article, I do find myself aching for that sort of honesty in my relationships. It's always easier to hide behind the shadow of who you *want* to be than it is to step into the light of who you actually are. I've always been envious of those people that can embrace the raw honesty of who they really are; those individuals that seem to have it figured out and whose presence seems to exude an attitude of "what you see is what you get".
I'm in this very awkward place in my 28th year. It's a sort of transitional limbo where I'm caught between my 20's and 30's: old enough that serious decisions start actually coming up and young enough that I haven't made them yet. Just like the countless others who've pondered something bigger, I find myself wondering why I'm not in Paris being an English translator, or why I never went and spent my summers in Lake Tahoe waiting tables (despite my being advised to), or why I let myself be ruled by fear when I was younger and hadn't even had enough experience for there to be fear. These may be your average Saturday/middle of summer/three months till my birthday/fill in the blank musings but they're things that you never know till you KNOW. Daring to dream bigger - it's the reason parents push their children to do new things, to blaze a new trail; it's the reason for a midlife crisis; it's the reason there are sports cars. When I think about the reason that I am here today the only answer worthy of my time is "love". I mean, isn't that the reason we're all where we are? It's the ONE thing that always remains; the one answer that's always available; the one motivator to end all motivators.
There are many ancients - thinkers - much more qualified than I am to pose the question "what is love?" In truth, if you ask a thousand people there's a good chance you'll get a thousand different answers. Love is so unique and individual. Love is sometimes a feeling, other times a choice, oftentimes an action. In our quest to quantify love, it's been a reason for break-ups and make-ups, infidelities and monogamy, babies and family pets, moving across the country or staying in your hometown, tears and joy, laughter and pain - you get the idea. There have been poems and songs and books written about it's brilliance and despondence. It's the riskiest of the risky and people take that risk every day, willingly. Love is probably the most beautiful thing about the human condition. I can feel it swelling inside of me and can understand why those ancients spent so much time on the idea.
Over the past few months, I've been learning a very important lesson. That lesson is honesty in love. I think about the way I interact with people and those that I love most and it occurs to me that most things are said/done in an effort to keep the peace. As honorable an attempt as that may seem, what sort of traction is there to be expected when I've not been myself? I've dressed my lack of honesty (I won't call it "dishonesty" because that implies I was outright lying and that's not true in 90% of cases) in all sorts of pretty dresses. I've called it my Christianity, I've called it my self-sacrifice, I've called it being 50% of a relationship, I've called it respecting my elders, and I've called it being a good friend. That list isn't limited - those are just the ones I could think of immediately. While I'm haunted by golden rule cliches of my youth ("honesty is the best policy"), for some reason it never occurred to me that it was something I was side-stepping.
**The photo is of Kevin & Dave and they're wearing my jewelry. They're honestly divas. Courtesy of the sister.
