Where I Am

My life is very busy at the moment.  With R and I living further apart than we have before our week and weekends are spent trying to figure out the best way to avoid extra driving.  In addition to a busy work week, I try to get to the gym as often as I can.  I'm still in one class at school which is required for my major so it demands a bit of attention.  I try to clean up after myself at home: stay on top of laundry and dishes (though I know I could do more).  I know I touched on this a bit in my last blog entry but I wasn't entirely honest about it: my brain space is occupied a lot of the time with "future" related stuff.  I think that I'm a bit consumed with "future" related stuff.  I know I mentioned previously that R helps balance me out - and he really does - so when I was considering what to blog about next, he suggested my struggle with being so future-minded.  Initially I brushed it off because I don't see it as an issue.  I justify my behavior as being "goal oriented" though in all honesty, that's debatable.  After a pretty good lunch time conversation with R, I thought it'd be a good topic to blog about because it's happening in my life at this very moment.   

Let's start with a rough definition of what "future" related stuff (FRS?) is.  It's me basically planning and plotting the future before it happens.  I'm not talking about what to have for dinner here, more like where will I be in the next year or we're talking about moving to Austin so let me pick our apartment out now or let me look at adopt-a-dog websites now so that we know what dog we're going to get when we move to Austin/Portland/Columbus.  I become emotionally invested in these "plans" so that's where some of the bad part of FRS comes in.  I'm excited for the changes in our lives that the 'm' word will bring (marriage, in case I lost you) and unfortunately I've been looking at it as though that's when our life together will begin.  R gently reminded me today that we're writing our story now, we're living our life together now and marriage is going to be a starting point for what comes next but that doesn't mean we need to discount where we are now.  I told you he levels me out.   

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm not particularly happy in my job.  I know that I'm on the long track of working toward a Nursing degree and it just feels so far away at the moment.  In the course of a typical work day, I silently wish away the hours and then I end up wishing away the weeks, looking toward a time when I'll be doing something fulfilling.  All I'm really doing though is wishing the time away (I won't say "wishing my life away" cause that's a bit melodramatic).  I read somewhere a long time ago that if you can be truly happy where you are then you could be happy anywhere.  And I had a teacher once whose sage words of wisdom were: "wherever you go, there you are."  I guess those two things go hand-in-hand and I understand that if I can be happy where I am in Cleveland, Ohio then I can be happy anywhere.  And it's not that I'm not happy - because I am.  I just end up wishing away the mundane in order to get to the good.  I have to spend a bit more time appreciating the entire picture instead of focusing on only the good parts.  


I know that I'll have to continually work on this.  There's nothing wrong with being "goal oriented" or even hoping for better - I just need to make sure that it's a priority to stop and smell the roses more.  Or to make sure that the ones I love know that I'm fully present in a moment with them.  I'm just going to chill out and love the life I have right where I am.

The Changing of the Seasons

I've definitely taken an "extended" break from blogging.  I really do desire to be more consistent and I won't offer up an excuse as to why I'm not.  All I can say is that school is kicking my butt, I'm working out a lot more than usual and when I'm not with the man, I like to spend my precious time catching up on trash TV.  Reading blogs is still a part of my daily routine but blogging on my own blog - not so much.  That said, the man and I have been thinking of taking a more "collaborative" approach to blogging so 'ryanjanders' may become some as-yet-unnamed blog that combines our writing and photo-taking.  I'm really looking forward to that since it'll be our first official collaboration of sorts.  While we work on a sweet blog name (butterbeans.com was taken) I'll try to keep up here.  
I've been in a sort of awkward transition that accompanies the change in weather.  Some call it "cabin fever".  The symptoms: desperate longing to be doing anything other than what I'm doing.  I look out my windows and the sky is blue and the trees (okay the pine trees) are green and I want to be outside.  However, I know soon enough it's going to be so uncomfortably hot out there that I'll miss the breezier (putting it mildly) days of spring.  I'm trying to stay focused on one day at a time but it gets difficult with the changing of the seasons and the significance of going from winter to spring.  To me, spring always holds such promise.  The gray days give way to brighter skies and sun.  While it's true that I'm not a huge champion of snow, I think that the changing in seasons is really a reminder - a marker, if you will - to look back at what we've accomplished and maybe re-evaluate goals and plans.  I'm a huge planner (have I previously mentioned that?) so by nature I'm always looking for the next thing.  Just like most things that's both good and bad.  It gives me a constant sort of restlessness.  Luckily, R helps balance me so that I'm not forever looking down the road and missing the here and now.  I'm looking forward to the changes that spring has in store.  
Random bits for fun: I actually joined a gym!  It's official!  I've been working with a trainer for about a month now and I'm really enjoying it.  Granted, my post work-out routine now consists of a hot shower and some Icy/Hot but I really am enjoying it.  I'm finding this strength that I never knew I had.  Strength that goes beyond being able to run five miles.  It's gratifying to have the ability to do what the trainer is asking me to do.  It's great to finally PUSH myself (lots of grunting going on when I'm lifting weights and I'm a sweaty mess).  While I know I still have a long way to go and I don't really think I'm down any weight, I'm starting to respect myself and my body and that's invaluable.  

Confession

I love cookbooks.

Not in the traditional way.  Not because I have an insatiable urge to continually try new recipes because, truth be told, unless it's a special occasion I'm pretty much a one-trick pony when it comes to three square meals.  Also not because I want to have a vast array of cookbooks from which to choose to make everything from meatloaf to crème brûlée.

I love cookbooks for a far deeper reason.  My cookbooks are lovingly perched atop my dresser and are the pillar for my mother's beloved blue bowl.  I could think of no home more fitting for the two things that hold such sentimental value to me (the third is my precious Tiffany Somerset ring thanks to R).  I'll take a quick detour for the very brief story of the blue bowl.  It's not much of a story, really.  I think it showed up after my maternal grandmother passed away and it held the fruit in the kitchen.  I'm not sure if it was the color of the shape of the bowl but it's very light blue and very old school.  My mother passed it down to me when I moved out with specific instructions, "do not put this in the dishwasher.  This bowl is older than me, it came from a time before dishwashers."  Since then, I've moved several times and the bowl has always ridden shotgun.

Back to the cookbooks.  My phone is full of photographs of cookbooks that I see in the bookstore and I put them on my Amazon Wish List which has nothing more than cookbooks that I've scouted.  I was thinking today about the origins of my love for cookbooks and I guess it has to be a combination of several things: my love of books in general, my love of beautiful photos and my love of cooking.  As I mentioned, I scout out my cookbooks before purchasing them and I usually don't actually use them for cooking as much as I do the internet... which is kind of sad now that I've typed it.  I enjoy having them around, lining my bookshelves, acting as decor and keepsakes.  My favorite gifts are cookbooks.  Most importantly the ones with hand written notes just inside the front cover wishing me many great meals and/or lots of love.  Not much warms my heart quite like the gift of a thoughtful cookbook.  I don't know many others who are as obsessed occupied with cookbooks as I am, so I always approach gifting cookbooks with trepidation.  Just because I like something doesn't mean that other people will like it, right?

My favorite time spent is in the kitchen and cookbooks symbolize that.  To me, when you invite people in to something you're creating, it's a very intimate time.  I love spending time with R in the kitchen.  I've been lucky enough to find someone who compliments my style: he's adventurous while I'm more by-the-book.  My mother always got the sister and me involved in kitchen time.  We spent countless hours over the island sharing stories about our day, picking with fingers or forks at something we'd created, laughing and sometimes crying.  We continue to congregate in the kitchen whenever the three of us are together and now that the sister has her own place and our family grows, there are more hands and hearts involved.  

Just this week, I was lucky enough to buy my amazing R his first cookbook.  He never really says he *wants* a cookbook, so when he asked me for it, I was so pleased to get it for him.  I wrote a little note just inside the front cover wishing him lots of love.  Hopefully this is just the first in a cookbook collection for him.  It gives me an opportunity to shop for cookbooks for another - for a change.